Okay, tonight I am feeling depressed about something that I often feel depressed about. Will I ever come to terms with my inevitable and inexorable journey towards old age on the outside? Can I possibly learn to deal with what I really am and will always be on the inside in contrast to society's expectations of me and the perception of me by the females in the age group that I love the most as the physical effects of old age slowly but surely take hold over my body? Even most gerontophiles won't be keen on being intimate with an 80-year-old, and after seeing so many 80-something-year-olds, I totally cannot blame them.
Thus, I have come to a conclusion (yes, again): I do not want to live to a ripe old age. I want to die young, not because I do not enjoy life, not because I do not consider life a great gift, but because I do not want to experience the physical debilitating effects of old age, along with the disgust factor it will bring to the young girls and even young women of legal age that I am attracted to, and with society's insistence that I adopt a "grandfatherly" image towards young people, an image that disgusts me because it's not how I perceive myself and it's not what I will ever be on the inside.
Today, I was out having lunch with my grandfather, who is in his 80s, and I remember how virile, strong, and young-looking he was for so many decades. But beginning in his late 70s, old age inevitably caught up with him, and though his mind is still fully there, he has since become something totally other than that virile young man he used to be on the outside. Since he isn't a teenager on the inside, and since he has never had a preference for younger girls, he can deal with it. He can enjoy life as he is now (and he does). But me...
If I survive into my 80s, I will doubtless still have much to do (assuming I am not overwhelmed by health problems). I will still be an activist on many fronts. I will still be fighting for youth rights. I will still be fighting for MAA/MAP rights, to whatever degree they must still be won. I will likely still be fighting for revolutionary change in the world. I will still be a fan of all of the genres in cinema and books which I am a fan of now, and accordingly, I will still be going to sci-fi conventions when I am able to. I will still be an opinionated asshole, as annoying as ever, and I will still be writing. I will still be fascinated with, and studying, the great mysteries of the universe. Yes, these things are true. I will have a professional life, I am sure, and I will continue to have one until the day that the Mother Goddess finally sees fit to take me. But...
...what will I do for a social life? What will my recreational time be like? How the hell can a teenager in the body of an 80-year-old man possibly enjoy his life when he isn't putting what is left of his energy into his professional and academic pursuits? I'm sorry, but I do not find the prospect of a sex life with elderly women to be an attractive one. If other old men are into that, then great! I couldn't be happier for them. Go get those hags and rock their world, dudes! But...I will undoubtably not be a typical old man. Not by a longshot. How can I not feel worse about this situation every single time I have a need to look in a mirror, and I see what I have become on the outside? I mean, I have never been attractive in a physical sense, but at least I currently, in my early 40s, still look youthful. But that is not going to last forever. Already society considers me a disgusting filthbag, worse than a cold-blooded murderer on the scum-meter, for finding young girls attractive. They find me pathetic for having a teen-like personality and believe I should "grow up" rather than be what I naturally am. Do I care? Hell no! And I never will, either. But as I grow increasingly older physically, and eventually reach the point where I become decrepit and truly disgusting to look at by adolescent girls and even younger women of legal age, I just can't imagine what type of recreational life I will have if I make it to that age.
I certainly do want to see what the future will bring, and I am optimistic that many exciting things will happen in the next few decades based upon all the work I am doing, but as much as I would like to live to see them, how much can I enjoy any possible advances in the world when I am stuck in an aging, physically unappealing (save maybe to an elderly woman, and that is not complimentary to me in the least), and decrepit body with a serious and embarrassing bladder disfunction? What will be there in the world for me? What will happen during the times I am not busy with professional and academic pursuits? What will happen during the times and situations that will invariably arise where I will not be able to ignore what I have morphed into on the outside? What will I feel every time I look in a mirror or at a recent picture of myself? How can I accept this?
Whenever I bring this problem up to a friend, they often tell me, "There will be plenty of things you can do recreationally when you get old." When I nervously ask them, "Like what?", they give me responses that make me want to die right then and there, even though I understand they are only trying to make me feel better about what the future is inevitably going to bring me.
Check out some of the disconcerting suggestions I am often given:
"Why don't you just join a senior citizen's centre? There are plenty of those, and they have lots of activities for senior citizens to enjoy." Do I have to explain to anyone why such a suggestion makes me gag every time I hear it? Can they seriously think that hanging around lots of elderly folks will make me feel any better? Do they seriously think an elderly guy who is still a teenager on the inside could possibly be comfortable in a surfeit of such company? Do I need to be reminded that much of what I have become on the outside, and what society's expectations of me now are?
"You can always take up golfing." Sure, and I can also spend a lot of time playing bingo and shuffleboard. That will certainly make me happy and help me feel like I am on the inside. Give me a fucking video game, please!
"You can hang out with younger people if that makes you feel better." Yes, I would love that, but how will younger people perceive me? How would a young woman feel if she knew I found her lovely and attractive "in that way" rather than seeing her as a surrogate granddaughter? Am I supposed to feel flattered that a 20-year-old woman whom I have the hots for tells me how much she wishes she had a "cool old guy" like me for a grandfather? Or that I look just like her grandfather, or this crazy old uncle of hers that she adores and has so much fun talking to during holiday family get-togethers? Do I really need to hear shit like that? Am I supposed to force myself to smile and pretend to find such comparisons complimentary? Well, isn't that how an old man is supposed to feel when he is told such things?
Am I supposed to feel good when a 19-year-old girl I have the hots for tells me something like, "Ya know, my grandmaw just recently became a widow, and she is about your age, and I think you and her would really really hit it off, so I think I should introduce the two of you..." How do I say, "Please stop right there, I might want to eat later!" in a polite way? Of course, I will have to pretend to find her suggestion kind and thoughtful (as it was actually intended to be) and not berate her for making such an assumption (grrr, I hate assumptions!), which would be totally unfair to her if I did. After all, I will be the fucking grandfather she always wanted, correct? *Sigh*
My girlfriend recently tried to assuage my fears of growing old by assuring me that due to my great respect for younger people and my tireless battle for their civil rights, they won't see me as a typical old man, but as a cool old man. Yup, I will be a cool geezer, rather than the typical crotchety old guy who bitches about how "stupid" younger people are to make himself feel better about being an aged, decrepit bastard who cannot control his urinary functions anymore. My mind may still be valued, true, but my social life will be...well, you know.
So since I want to bring this whine to a close, I have decided I want to die young. Do not worry, I am not even considering suicide within the next ten years, nor do I want to die slowly and agonizingly by some horribly painful disease like cancer. I would love to go down on the "battlefield," so to speak, dying for what I believe in at a relatively young age, before old age and all that it entails truly sets in. Once again, I see life as a great adventure. But it will be far less worthwhile if I live into my 60s and beyond. And if I reach my 80s and physically fall from grace like my grandfather has...I do not want to think about it. The fact that it will not happen for another three to four decades doesn't make me feel any better, because the time will be here before I know it. And I do not want to be here for that. I want to be remembered as the youthful looking individual that I am now. I do not want to be seen or remembered as some old, frail, and skeletal bastard who any woman under the age of 65 wouldn't even imagine having a date with. And I will no longer be able to blame them a single bit. Every time I look in the mirror or at a recent pic of myself, I will not be able to blame any young woman, let alone an adolescent girl, for cringing at the very thought of being intimate with me in any way, no matter how "cool" she thinks I am compared to the average geezer.
I really, really wish I was born a few generations into the future, where medical science may have the aging process under control, and people would have the choice of taking a variety of treatments that will enable them to remain physically youthful and virile for the entirety of their lives. I am not looking to cheat death altogether, because I am well aware that even if I was awarded everlasting youth that something would eventually catch up with me, and I would eventually die. I am not looking for eternal life, as it's not death that I fear, but rather I am looking for eternal youth, as it's experiencing the physical effects of old age that I truly do fear. I do not consider old age to be something "beautiful" that should be embraced by absolutely everyone simply because it's natural. Those who feel this is the case are entitled to their beliefs, and I would fully support their right to grow old and die after seven to ten decades of life, with physical youth lasting barely over a fraction of that time, but I will remind them that I do not consider venereal diseases, cancer, or tape worms to be beautiful either, despite the fact that they are likewise natural. Just as I cried no tears to learn that smallpox was virtually wiped out by medical science, and that everyone was given the option to be vaccinated against this disease, so too will I shed no tears if medical science one day came up with an antidote for the aging process for those who would choose to have eternal youth. Furthermore, I will fiercely fight any individuals who try to insist that such a process never become available to anyone because it would be "against nature" or because it would be "unfair to those who chose not to undergo the process." If the means to reverse and prevent the aging process became available at any point in my lifetime, I would tolerate no one trying to confine me to becoming physically old and dying in just a few decades while my physical functions become increasingly degraded if the scientific means to prevent this came about.
But, of course, this will not happen in my lifetime, so I just have to deal with the fact that in the next few decades, old age and the accompanying expectations of society are going to gradually overtake me. And I can only hope that when my time does naturally come, it will come before I am too far past the age of 50.
My periodic whine about this subject is now over.